jumpthegun | IC Inbox (v1.0)

[No forgiveness.

'Not something to expect or hope for,' Sholto advises.]

I'm alive. I can control my body again.

What's your death loss? Do you need help?

[Cold, clinical, and incredibly obvious. He's not even going out of his way to make his avoidance subtle. Was it something she said?]

No, I'm fine. I'm just having a little trouble with recognition.

I'm glad you're in control again, John, but that isn't quite what I meant.

I'm sorry if this is out of line, but... could you tell me what happened?

[That's a problem if she runs into anyone dangerous.

Like him.]

It's not out of line. I don't honestly know. We were all getting sick in the morning, and I stopped caring much about anything. It got worse as the day went on, but my radiation sickness cleared up. I knew something was off. I had Ecks handcuff me in the loo. I thought it would be enough.

My body started moving, but I wasn't thinking. I was just watching. I didn't feel anything. I broke my hand to get it out of the cuffs and went downstairs. When I saw Quark I tried to kill him. I don't know why. It was like seeing a ball flying toward your face and putting up a hand to catch it. It was a reflex. He was there, so I killed him. And then you were there, so I killed you.

I didn't think about it. I felt when you were hurting me, but my body didn't react. I just felt like I was watching myself. And nothing mattered.

[She stays quiet for a few long moments, if only to let his words sink in. There's a cautious relief in hearing how unnatural it all was - that it wasn't him. It couldn't have been him.

...]

Thank you for telling me.

I remember seeing your hand. How you were reacting to everything, how you wouldn't respond... it never seemed like it was you. It felt like you'd become some sort of machine instead.

I know you would never hurt either of us on your own intentions. Not without a purpose. If you say you had no purpose other than to act, then I believe you.

Please know that I forgive you, John.

Why do you have to be so kind and understanding? I don't deserve it. Quark is going to have nightmares about me. You're probably going to have nightmares about me. What I did isn't forgivable, Luna. You're my friend and he was my patient, just a little boy. None of this is right. It's not okay. I don't want you to pretend like it is.

[He wishes he could cry, wishes he could shout, do anything except type words placidly into the tablet.]

I don't want to pretend it was okay, John. It wasn't. To say otherwise is foolish.

But you are not the one I blame for it.

['And you wouldn't have blamed her if she'd done it to you.'

Even just a small gesture, like rubbing a hand over his face is lost to him. It's a long to before John responds as he's internally screaming at himself to show any emotion at all, to react. This conversation doesn't seem real. None of his conversations have seemed real.]

I'll still avoid you, if you want me to, especially right now. I have my emotions back, but I can't express them. I'm sorry if this all seems very cold.

[She doesn't answer his first offer, if only because she can't bring herself to choose. He isn't incorrect, after all. The thought of him being closeby doesn't fill her with anything but a quiet sense of dread.

She hates it.

So, for the moment, she drops the request entirely.]

It does seem a little out of character for you, yes. But you don't need to apologize.

I saw your name on the obituary. Was this your penalty?

I do need to. It's all I have right now, Luna.

This is my penalty. Ecks managed to kill me before I got to her. I'm just sorry she didn't manage it sooner.

[...]

Then... I accept your apology. Perhaps we can speak when you're feeling more whole... if you would be okay with that.

I'm glad she was able to stop you before you left the building. I know being in that state any longer wouldn't have been an easy thing to bear... Had the urges disappeared by the time you had revived, then?

We can talk whenever you want to.

The urges have all completely gone. I think Ginger was the only other person who had them. America managed to stop her hurting England.

[So he wasn't the only one who'd attacked someone, just the only one who had shed blood. What could she even say to that? How would she even know if what she said was helping or hurting him if he couldn't express himself?]

Only two of you...

I'd be curious if there were others who experienced the deadening of their symptoms and feelings. From what some of the others were speaking about while I was gone, it sounds like everyone had varying experiences, but... why it would only choose the two of you seems too strange.

...

I would like us to talk again when you feel more yourself, John. I... can't help feeling like I'm robbing you this way.

Could you contact me when you notice a change?

There were others who experienced that, but no murdering. That was just me.

['Self-pity doesn't suit you, Watson,' Sholto chides mildly.]

I don't know if there's any sort of pattern.

I'll contact you when I change, yes. But you're not robbing me of anything.

IC Inbox (v1.0)

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this conversation made extra fun by the fact that Diana apparently arrived the day before SWEATS

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