[He gives a half shrug. He's not about to lie to John, that's something he decided not to do a long time past, but that doesn't mean he's about to just blurt out any old truth.]
I took a couple that first evening.
[He raises the metal arm about halfway and makes a fist, the slight whirring sound just audible.]
It's good, better than I thought it might be without an engineer. You're both good surgeons.
[Not good enough. John's well aware Stephen shares the sentiment. Hearing that whir is just a reminder that he should have gotten to this sooner while Tony was still around. But Bucky has always had to wait on him... and it's always terrible for his health in the end. And it has been traumatizing for poor Stephen, as well, this time.]
I'd like it if you'd take a couple more now and again. Or at least some ibuprofen I have. Will you take that more regularly if I give it to you?
It's ibuprofen. It's not going to alter your mental processes. If you don't have to be in pain, I don't want you to be in pain for something I- [He cuts off.] Constant pain is constant stress. It's not good for your overall health.
You really think there's not constant pain even if it's functioning right?
[He's so surprised that he's almost amused.]
It's solid vibranium with fittings and machinery, connected direct to my nerves and skeleton. It hurts, and it would even if you did it perfectly, so don't go blaming yourself for helping me out.
[John's not sure what he thought. The idea of Bucky being in constant pain, always remained of the weight of that arm and what was done to him, is troubling. It's even more troubling that he'll now remember that surgery constantly because of how weakened the arm was.]
I dunno... may the serum. I thought it helped. Maybe?
[He lifts the arm again halfway, twisting it so that the joints catch the light. He's satisfied with how the surgery went, even if the two doctors aren't.]
If I didn't have the serum, it would've pulled too hard on my spine for the weight years ago. You're a doctor, John, what do you think would happen if you connected a solid piece of machinery to someone?
I dunno. You're from the future. [John makes a vague gesture with his hand.] And things. That arm wouldn't even exist in my world. Not for at least another twenty or thirty years at a minimum.
That's really not the thing I'm beating myself up about, Buck. If I'd just gotten around to this before Tony disappeared, it would have gone better. If I'd gotten to you when you first contacted me about the frostbite, your shoulder wouldn't be in the state it was to begin with. I keep making you wait, and it's hurting you.
[He just stares at John incredulously for a moment, before rare laughter bursts through the usual stoic mask. He can't help it, that's so goddamn stupid that he has to laugh.]
[The laugh is startling more than anything. John blinks in confusion, looking at Bucky with no small amount of concern. He looks down at his food, then up again. Did Sherlock manage to put something in this when he wasn't looking?
Black Bart woofs curiously at the new sound from where he's been lying at their feet.]
[His stomach actually hurts from laughing, and it takes him a moment or two before he can compose himself enough to reply.]
It means that you're a goddamn idiot.
[He exhales heavily, the last of the laughter dying away and his usual neutral expression returning.]
You know how many people would treat me after I attacked them? Or who would keep following up on that? Or who would prescribe sedatives to a dangerous and cagey guy who wouldn't give a real name? Or who would agree to perform awake surgery just to make me feel more comfortable? And you're feeling guilty because I had to wait?
[He shrugs. He's not embarrassed by affection or appreciation, just not good at expressing it usually.]
You saved my life, and that's why you're a punk for worrying over something so stupid.
[It's always strange hearing other people's perspectives on his actions. Where John sees missed opportunities and missteps, regrets, people like Bucky see... heroic action? He sees something different anyway. But it's not something that John can really deny. He did do those things... inadvisable as many of them might have been.
John's heart lifts, and he manages to quirk a smile at Bucky.]
Well, I'm always looking to improve is all. I'll keep working on the timeliness, yeah?
[He feels a little better, though. Just a little bit, but it's important.]
[Says the master of having things needing to be improved on.
He pushes up to his feet; he's pretty much achieved his goal of making sure that John is alright, that he'll talk to Sherlock, and that they seem to be okay after the whole 'don't go after Justin' fiasco.]
I guess I'll leave you to get ready.
[Since he has an important talk coming up.
He doesn't give John a chance to really respond or snark back at him, just slipping out of the door in a live action equivalent of hanging up abruptly.]
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I took a couple that first evening.
[He raises the metal arm about halfway and makes a fist, the slight whirring sound just audible.]
It's good, better than I thought it might be without an engineer. You're both good surgeons.
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I'd like it if you'd take a couple more now and again. Or at least some ibuprofen I have. Will you take that more regularly if I give it to you?
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[He's not arguing overly much, he might take them if John pushes it in compromise for what he's pushed for today, but he'd rather not.]
I can handle the pain, it's not a big deal.
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[He's so surprised that he's almost amused.]
It's solid vibranium with fittings and machinery, connected direct to my nerves and skeleton. It hurts, and it would even if you did it perfectly, so don't go blaming yourself for helping me out.
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I thought...
[John's not sure what he thought. The idea of Bucky being in constant pain, always remained of the weight of that arm and what was done to him, is troubling. It's even more troubling that he'll now remember that surgery constantly because of how weakened the arm was.]
I dunno... may the serum. I thought it helped. Maybe?
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[He lifts the arm again halfway, twisting it so that the joints catch the light. He's satisfied with how the surgery went, even if the two doctors aren't.]
If I didn't have the serum, it would've pulled too hard on my spine for the weight years ago. You're a doctor, John, what do you think would happen if you connected a solid piece of machinery to someone?
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The point I'm making is, don't beat yourself up for a successful operation.
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That's really not the thing I'm beating myself up about, Buck. If I'd just gotten around to this before Tony disappeared, it would have gone better. If I'd gotten to you when you first contacted me about the frostbite, your shoulder wouldn't be in the state it was to begin with. I keep making you wait, and it's hurting you.
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You're a punk, you know that?
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Black Bart woofs curiously at the new sound from where he's been lying at their feet.]
What? What does that even mean? Are you okay?
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It means that you're a goddamn idiot.
[He exhales heavily, the last of the laughter dying away and his usual neutral expression returning.]
You know how many people would treat me after I attacked them? Or who would keep following up on that? Or who would prescribe sedatives to a dangerous and cagey guy who wouldn't give a real name? Or who would agree to perform awake surgery just to make me feel more comfortable? And you're feeling guilty because I had to wait?
[He shrugs. He's not embarrassed by affection or appreciation, just not good at expressing it usually.]
You saved my life, and that's why you're a punk for worrying over something so stupid.
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John's heart lifts, and he manages to quirk a smile at Bucky.]
Well, I'm always looking to improve is all. I'll keep working on the timeliness, yeah?
[He feels a little better, though. Just a little bit, but it's important.]
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[Says the master of having things needing to be improved on.
He pushes up to his feet; he's pretty much achieved his goal of making sure that John is alright, that he'll talk to Sherlock, and that they seem to be okay after the whole 'don't go after Justin' fiasco.]
I guess I'll leave you to get ready.
[Since he has an important talk coming up.
He doesn't give John a chance to really respond or snark back at him, just slipping out of the door in a live action equivalent of hanging up abruptly.]