[Mycroft gingerly sits up, and Bacall releases her talons and nestles in his lap. He clearly didn't want to talk about this, but...]
Not always.
[This was dreadfully embarrassing.]
It...seems to be mostly enclosed spaces. [That sounded harmless and fairly common enough.]
[Bacall sighs and pipes up.] And people with cloaked hoods, feeling trapped, being restrained, loud sudden noises, prophet eyes, and any sensation that causes us to be afraid or reminds us of the torture we endured in Norfinbury, pretty much. We've been having terrible nightmares about such, waking up with panic attacks.
Royce wears a cloak with a hood. So does Phil sometimes. Not sure if you've run into them yet. It's something to be aware of. Psyching yourself up for something can help when you're having to deal with them. You can also probably ask them to pull the hood down when they're talking to you. Politely. Explain to them it's specifically because you have problems focusing when their hood is up because of things that happened in Norfinbury. You can leave it there. You'll likely get used to seeing them, specifically with repeated exposure and that particular trigger will fade for the most part. I'll let Royce know it's best he doesn't sneak up on you.
No one has Prophet eyes here, so that shouldn't be an issue. Being restrained... well, don't piss people off and that should be a non-issue. When d'you feel trapped? And how small does the enclosed space need to be? Most of the buildings here are fairly open, but the windmills a fairly narrow structure. The Observatory's relatively small, as well, so you might want to avoid those.
[John is about practical solutions too the problems. He's not so good with going over the whys, and he doesn't expect Mycroft wants to right now.]
[Mycroft sits very stiffly, he's clearly very uncomfortable with this. The fact that he'd need to actually...ask...someone to adjust their cloak because it bothered him was...upsetting. Bacall warbled softly and fluffed her feathers.]
I have. [And with Royce it had been near disastrous, he'd assumed he was one of them.]
I'm sure I'll be fine. It probably won't need to come to that.
[That gets a warble of disapproval from the bird in his lap. Mycroft coughs and continues.]
The library is fine, my house is fine. It's really not so bad.
[Bacall pecks at a finger, but gently, and looks over at John.] We always leave the door open to our house.
[John doesn't want to talk about this either and his own posture telegraphs his discomfort in rolling waves. He has his own little tricks to deal with his personal issues and he doesn't particularly want Mycroft to be aware of and start picking those apart. His reluctance to join the Town Guard on a regular basis had been at least partly thanks to the idea that someone would be able to take note of any regular patrol he was on and either stalk him or evade him. Better to make shorter, more sporadic forays that aren't as predictable. He never visits the same hunting grounds twice in a row, either.]
That's gonna be a problem come winter. The seasons here change suddenly. One day to the next, it'll go from fall leaves to three feet of snow. [John's mentally bracing himself for that shift because it's going to be... difficult if he's here to witness it. Just the thought of it now is sending his heart rate ticking up.]
I don't care how fine you're gonna pretend you are, by the way. Whatever you say doesn't leave this clinic. Sherlock's worried about you. That's the only reason this is happening. [He gestures between the two of them.] So, the sooner you're actually better and have a handle on things so you're not panicking regularly, the better it is for the both of us.
[There's a long pause before John crosses his arms and looks away.] Sometimes you won't see it coming. Most people are generally pretty sympathetic around here. Had an episode a couple of months back. It was raining and there's a woman who's a psychic here. She put up a barrier so I couldn't feel the rain. Reminded me of something that happened in Norfinbury. I lost it, started yelling at her. She dropped the shield, sat with me for a bit in her house.
The fact that you will be fine doesn't mean that you are fine. Don't make light of it. It's not something to make light of.
[He didn't want to even think about what that was going to be like. Bacall shuddered in his lap.
He looks over at John, discomfort clearly on his face. The fact that Sherlock was worried about him said quite a lot. John's story isn't lost on him, the fact that there were people who were psychic was...worrisome in and of itself.]
These things go away in time. That's all I need, really, time.
[Or was that just another lie he was telling himself?]
Sherlock seems to think you need more than that. And it doesn't go away, Mycroft. It fades to the background, but it doesn't just disappear. Not unless you do something about it. Find someone you trust. Talk to them. Talk to Milla or Sasha--they're trained for this. I don't know why Sherlock thinks you're gonna open up to me.
Oh, I know he faked his death and you helped with that, by the by. You're a lovely actor. [It's a bitter snipe, but he can't help it. It's something that's been on his mind ever since Mycroft turned up here.]
We don't trust anyone, not with this, not with our thoughts. [Bacall speaks up first, softly.] Sherlock thinks it embarrassing, but mostly we're afraid of admitting we're just as human as anyone else, and that our great intellect can't fight this. We'd rather speak to you than them, we trust you far more than anyone else here besides Sherlock, but even back home, even more than our subordinates. After all, you can get through to Sherlock where we never could.
Bacall! [Mycroft is aghast, hissing, trying to cover the bird's beak with his hands and stop her from saying anymore, but she pecks his fingers harshly and continues.]
It was for the greater good, the safety of the entire nation and possibly the world, John, and we're sorry you were so upset by it. It was a necessary sacrifice on your part. We figured that you're a good soldier, and you'd carry on. We monitored you, kept a file on you during the interim, just to be sure how you were doing, if that is any reassurance.
[Terrible! Mycroft tries to stuff her face in his suit jacket, but she bites him again and continues.]
You're such a vital part of Sherlock's life, John Watson, we never have forgotten how much you mean to him and how much he means to you. You're part of our family, and you're under our protection as well.
[Good God, this was never going to end. Was his Heart truly this foolishly sentimental? Mycroft quickly butts in before she goes off and tells him he reminds them of Sherlock's old best friend or something.]
[John's simmering resentment takes a backseat to surprise. He and Mycroft had rarely gotten on. They rarely spoke, and their last conversation, as far as John is aware, had been the one at the Diogenes Club with John berating Mycroft for giving away Sherlock's life story to Moriarty.
To hear anything complimentary from the elder Holmes is rare, indeed. Usually John was just being ordered around by him.
The mention of 'monitoring' really does nothing for his personal paranoia levels, either. He lets that slide for now, but makes a mental notes to be more vigilant if he ever makes it back to London.
It's the last question that lets John get his composure together enough to respond.]
It's 2012 for me. [Just a few months after Sherlock's 'death.'] What year is it for you?
[Both Mycroft and Bacall look at him with the same expression of surprise.
He knows of the time differential between him and Sherlock, but this...five years? No wonder he asked about Sherlock's faked death.]
I...see. It was 2017.
[The events of Sherrinford seemed like a lifetime ago, though, after Norfinbury.
Though back in Norfinbury, John obviously knew Mary and had come from a time not long from his own. Mary had discussed something similar of the sort when he first arrived, she'd mentioned that John said nothing of Norfinbury to her back in their own home world. So he'd been returned to their home with no memory of his time there, and brought back to Norfinbury later knowing her, of course. Or maybe this difference here in the Meadous was the disparity between their the alternate universes. The Norfinbury of John here versus his own.
Bacall huffs at the same time Mycroft does.
Someone was going to need to start a new field of study on the multiverse if there wasn't a proper book about it in the library already.]
So. Whatever's happened for you to make us family... I don't have that. This is gonna be a bit hard on us at the start if you have me as a therapist. Not trying to put you off, just making you aware. I don't want any confusion about who knows what and who's from when.
[He had enough of that with Sherlock in Norfinbury.]
I'm aware of a woman named Mary that I'm meant to marry... who's also dead now. So anything related to her, you're welcome to be open with. [There's no particular emotion attached to her, and that might be easy to read in John's tone.] I'm not particularly worried about mucking up the timeline. It'll be mucked up enough, as is, for everything I know.
[Mycroft rubs the bridge of his nose, gritting his teeth. This was terribly embarrassing. He could hardly accept it himself, considering John as part of his family was hard won enough, and the idiot bird goes about blabbing like he was a sentimental old fool about it.
Though, it was disconcerting how he mentioned Mary so...clinically. If there were any doubts about his origins, they were certainly put to rest.]
We appreciate this very much, John. [Bacall blurts out.] We understand there are other therapists and this isn't your actual line of work.
[An pained groan from Mycroft.] This is going to be a disaster.
[It's so bizarre to see that Mycroft has a genuine softer side in the form of his Heart. She's so much nicer than he is.]
There's a reason I didn't wish to keep my Heart. [It's noted mildly.] I'd say you're more out of touch with Bacall than I was with Brava, though. Especially if you want to cut her away. You think she's the reason you're feeling the way you do now? The panic attacks?
[That gets a pecking again. Mycroft glares at her and snatches his fingers back.]
As much as I would like to blame her, no. I've been experiencing them before she arrived. After the...incident in Norfinbury that occurred before I got here.
[Bacall shuddered and curled up more on his lap, speaking softly.]
We've been buried for a long time, John, far too long. But what was done to us in Norfinbury nearly ruined us. It broke us, shattered us.
[One small, good thing from having that creature around.
Mycroft rubs his face, wanting nothing better to do than throw the bird in a bag to make it shut up. This was far too much, he never wanted anyone to hear those things, much less John.
With a grunt he lifts her and deposits her unceremoniously on the ground, then slowly gets up, with her waddling after him.]
We can't get help if we don't let people know what we're feeling. [A mutter behind him.]
We don't-- [Ugh. This 'we' nonsense.] I just need rest and time. That's all.
Yeah, that maybe helps a bit, but not completely. [Speaking from experience.] Time might heal wounds, but it just leaves you with scars. Think of talking it out like... I dunno, physical therapy. Makes sure everything's working right after the wounds are all closed up.
That's what my therapist said, anyway.
[He means Ella, rather than Milla... or Eurus, a woman he hasn't met, yet.]
[Despite Mycroft knowing that John was not speaking of Eurus, a shiver still escaped him. Eurus tended to produce an unsettled reaction in him, and that was before Sherrinford. Bacall had a similar reaction, and scurried closer to his legs, pressing against them.]
When I first met you, I told you to fire your therapist because she got it wrong. Am I supposed to believe this is another one of her grand conclusions?
[Bacall tugged at his pant leg.] She's right about this. Listen to John, we must talk it out. We've been keeping things inside for far too long and it's only compounded our problems.
Diagnosis was right, I reckon, even if she didn't get there the right way. Treatment was wrong. [PTSD manifests in many forms. He missed the war because it gave him an outlet for his own traumas. He could act out the aggression when he needed to. No one thought twice about a soldier on the battlefield on constant alert.]
Also, Sherlock isn't gonna leave either of us alone until your not jumping at shadows.
[Hmph. All of that gets a sour look. He swats at the bird tugging at his pant leg and gets pecked for his trouble.]
Noted.
[A sigh.]
To avoid that, let's just get on with it, shall we? Must I talk about how things made me feel? Because one certainly can't narrow that down in a snow-covered town-experiment of horrors.
[He's sarcastic, but acquiescing a little. John was right, even if Mycroft had no desire to show anyone how vulnerable he really was. Maybe he could meet this thing in the middle and avoid the most embarrassing parts.]
[The older Holmes takes the bag and thankfully places it over his face, wincing as he does so.]
Hmph. Where to begin? Besides everything.
[He has to think about what won't particularly lead to a distressing line of questioning, but Bacall says something before he can protest. What his Heart truly wanted to talk about.]
It's not so much about personal injury, it's about the lack of control. We're unable to protect Sherlock, he died twice. When we were taken away to be tortured, it was possible we could have been broken, converted into someone who would do the same to Sherlock.
[John's... pretty sure the answer to that is constant surveillance on Sherlock, which isn't happening. He'd tried that and they'd driven each other up the walls.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Not always.
[This was dreadfully embarrassing.]
It...seems to be mostly enclosed spaces. [That sounded harmless and fairly common enough.]
[Bacall sighs and pipes up.] And people with cloaked hoods, feeling trapped, being restrained, loud sudden noises, prophet eyes, and any sensation that causes us to be afraid or reminds us of the torture we endured in Norfinbury, pretty much. We've been having terrible nightmares about such, waking up with panic attacks.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Royce wears a cloak with a hood. So does Phil sometimes. Not sure if you've run into them yet. It's something to be aware of. Psyching yourself up for something can help when you're having to deal with them. You can also probably ask them to pull the hood down when they're talking to you. Politely. Explain to them it's specifically because you have problems focusing when their hood is up because of things that happened in Norfinbury. You can leave it there. You'll likely get used to seeing them, specifically with repeated exposure and that particular trigger will fade for the most part. I'll let Royce know it's best he doesn't sneak up on you.
No one has Prophet eyes here, so that shouldn't be an issue. Being restrained... well, don't piss people off and that should be a non-issue. When d'you feel trapped? And how small does the enclosed space need to be? Most of the buildings here are fairly open, but the windmills a fairly narrow structure. The Observatory's relatively small, as well, so you might want to avoid those.
[John is about practical solutions too the problems. He's not so good with going over the whys, and he doesn't expect Mycroft wants to right now.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
I have. [And with Royce it had been near disastrous, he'd assumed he was one of them.]
I'm sure I'll be fine. It probably won't need to come to that.
[That gets a warble of disapproval from the bird in his lap. Mycroft coughs and continues.]
The library is fine, my house is fine. It's really not so bad.
[Bacall pecks at a finger, but gently, and looks over at John.] We always leave the door open to our house.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
That's gonna be a problem come winter. The seasons here change suddenly. One day to the next, it'll go from fall leaves to three feet of snow. [John's mentally bracing himself for that shift because it's going to be... difficult if he's here to witness it. Just the thought of it now is sending his heart rate ticking up.]
I don't care how fine you're gonna pretend you are, by the way. Whatever you say doesn't leave this clinic. Sherlock's worried about you. That's the only reason this is happening. [He gestures between the two of them.] So, the sooner you're actually better and have a handle on things so you're not panicking regularly, the better it is for the both of us.
[There's a long pause before John crosses his arms and looks away.] Sometimes you won't see it coming. Most people are generally pretty sympathetic around here. Had an episode a couple of months back. It was raining and there's a woman who's a psychic here. She put up a barrier so I couldn't feel the rain. Reminded me of something that happened in Norfinbury. I lost it, started yelling at her. She dropped the shield, sat with me for a bit in her house.
The fact that you will be fine doesn't mean that you are fine. Don't make light of it. It's not something to make light of.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
[He didn't want to even think about what that was going to be like. Bacall shuddered in his lap.
He looks over at John, discomfort clearly on his face. The fact that Sherlock was worried about him said quite a lot. John's story isn't lost on him, the fact that there were people who were psychic was...worrisome in and of itself.]
These things go away in time. That's all I need, really, time.
[Or was that just another lie he was telling himself?]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Oh, I know he faked his death and you helped with that, by the by. You're a lovely actor. [It's a bitter snipe, but he can't help it. It's something that's been on his mind ever since Mycroft turned up here.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Bacall! [Mycroft is aghast, hissing, trying to cover the bird's beak with his hands and stop her from saying anymore, but she pecks his fingers harshly and continues.]
It was for the greater good, the safety of the entire nation and possibly the world, John, and we're sorry you were so upset by it. It was a necessary sacrifice on your part. We figured that you're a good soldier, and you'd carry on. We monitored you, kept a file on you during the interim, just to be sure how you were doing, if that is any reassurance.
[Terrible! Mycroft tries to stuff her face in his suit jacket, but she bites him again and continues.]
You're such a vital part of Sherlock's life, John Watson, we never have forgotten how much you mean to him and how much he means to you. You're part of our family, and you're under our protection as well.
[Good God, this was never going to end. Was his Heart truly this foolishly sentimental? Mycroft quickly butts in before she goes off and tells him he reminds them of Sherlock's old best friend or something.]
Why are you still going on about his faked death?
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
To hear anything complimentary from the elder Holmes is rare, indeed. Usually John was just being ordered around by him.
The mention of 'monitoring' really does nothing for his personal paranoia levels, either. He lets that slide for now, but makes a mental notes to be more vigilant if he ever makes it back to London.
It's the last question that lets John get his composure together enough to respond.]
It's 2012 for me. [Just a few months after Sherlock's 'death.'] What year is it for you?
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
He knows of the time differential between him and Sherlock, but this...five years?
No wonder he asked about Sherlock's faked death.]
I...see. It was 2017.
[The events of Sherrinford seemed like a lifetime ago, though, after Norfinbury.
Though back in Norfinbury, John obviously knew Mary and had come from a time not long from his own. Mary had discussed something similar of the sort when he first arrived, she'd mentioned that John said nothing of Norfinbury to her back in their own home world. So he'd been returned to their home with no memory of his time there, and brought back to Norfinbury later knowing her, of course. Or maybe this difference here in the Meadous was the disparity between their the alternate universes. The Norfinbury of John here versus his own.
Bacall huffs at the same time Mycroft does.
Someone was going to need to start a new field of study on the multiverse if there wasn't a proper book about it in the library already.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
[He had enough of that with Sherlock in Norfinbury.]
I'm aware of a woman named Mary that I'm meant to marry... who's also dead now. So anything related to her, you're welcome to be open with. [There's no particular emotion attached to her, and that might be easy to read in John's tone.] I'm not particularly worried about mucking up the timeline. It'll be mucked up enough, as is, for everything I know.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
[Mycroft rubs the bridge of his nose, gritting his teeth. This was terribly embarrassing. He could hardly accept it himself, considering John as part of his family was hard won enough, and the idiot bird goes about blabbing like he was a sentimental old fool about it.
Though, it was disconcerting how he mentioned Mary so...clinically. If there were any doubts about his origins, they were certainly put to rest.]
We appreciate this very much, John. [Bacall blurts out.] We understand there are other therapists and this isn't your actual line of work.
[An pained groan from Mycroft.] This is going to be a disaster.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
There's a reason I didn't wish to keep my Heart. [It's noted mildly.] I'd say you're more out of touch with Bacall than I was with Brava, though. Especially if you want to cut her away. You think she's the reason you're feeling the way you do now? The panic attacks?
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
[That gets a pecking again. Mycroft glares at her and snatches his fingers back.]
As much as I would like to blame her, no. I've been experiencing them before she arrived. After the...incident in Norfinbury that occurred before I got here.
[Bacall shuddered and curled up more on his lap, speaking softly.]
We've been buried for a long time, John, far too long. But what was done to us in Norfinbury nearly ruined us. It broke us, shattered us.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
After a moment, he sighs and rises, gesturing for Mycroft and Bacall to follow him.]
Let's get some ice on your eye and we can talk it over. You're gonna have a beauty of a bruise.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Mycroft rubs his face, wanting nothing better to do than throw the bird in a bag to make it shut up. This was far too much, he never wanted anyone to hear those things, much less John.
With a grunt he lifts her and deposits her unceremoniously on the ground, then slowly gets up, with her waddling after him.]
We can't get help if we don't let people know what we're feeling. [A mutter behind him.]
We don't-- [Ugh. This 'we' nonsense.] I just need rest and time. That's all.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
That's what my therapist said, anyway.
[He means Ella, rather than Milla... or Eurus, a woman he hasn't met, yet.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
When I first met you, I told you to fire your therapist because she got it wrong. Am I supposed to believe this is another one of her grand conclusions?
[Bacall tugged at his pant leg.] She's right about this. Listen to John, we must talk it out. We've been keeping things inside for far too long and it's only compounded our problems.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Also, Sherlock isn't gonna leave either of us alone until your not jumping at shadows.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Noted.
[A sigh.]
To avoid that, let's just get on with it, shall we? Must I talk about how things made me feel? Because one certainly can't narrow that down in a snow-covered town-experiment of horrors.
[He's sarcastic, but acquiescing a little. John was right, even if Mycroft had no desire to show anyone how vulnerable he really was. Maybe he could meet this thing in the middle and avoid the most embarrassing parts.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
We talk about what you need to talk about. Take it in pieces. One event, one act, something you can focus on.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Hmph. Where to begin? Besides everything.
[He has to think about what won't particularly lead to a distressing line of questioning, but Bacall says something before he can protest. What his Heart truly wanted to talk about.]
It's not so much about personal injury, it's about the lack of control. We're unable to protect Sherlock, he died twice. When we were taken away to be tortured, it was possible we could have been broken, converted into someone who would do the same to Sherlock.
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
[John's... pretty sure the answer to that is constant surveillance on Sherlock, which isn't happening. He'd tried that and they'd driven each other up the walls.]
cw: discussion of PTSD/mental health, torture
Some means of keeping an eye on things.
[You're 100% right, John.
Things, meaning Sherlock, of course.]