Why d'you think you'd be a bad relationship? I know you have your moments, Buck, but you always come out of them, and you're very gentle otherwise. You're protective, you're handsome, you're kind, thoughtful. Maybe a bit brusque, but that's not all bad. You're a great listener... you'd be a catch, mate.
Careful, John, or I might think you want to ask me out sometime.
[He is smiling, though, it's nice to know his friends have such a good opinion of him.]
Maybe I'd never hurt her, but I still don't think I'd have a good relationship with anyone. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be myself, let alone myself with someone else.
[It takes a moment for the meaning of John's muttered aside to sink in, and when it does it's like a punch to the gut. He knows that Renart is open with her affections, but he led her to believe that kissing was a much bigger deal, it's one of the reasons things went so south with Monty.
Does that mean that she has feelings for John as well? Does he have feelings for her?
His jaw tightens and his voice flattens a little.]
I didn't know you two felt that way about each other.
[It's her choice, and John's free to do as he pleases, he's just-- maybe not jealous, he's accepted that he can't be with her. But he's hurt, even if it's irrational. Even more so that John would tell him in this manner, in this particular conversation.]
We don't. I don't. There's nothing, Bucky. It's just physical. That's all it is. I didn't mean... Sorry. I'm sorry. That was completely inappropriate. [To say the least.]
It's hard when someone you care about keeps pressing you for something you might want, too. Even if you know you shouldn't want it and can't have it.
[This is awkward as hell now, and he's honestly thrown for a loop with this new information. He knows Renart is promiscuous, he knows she isn't monogamous, but John--]
Thought you were with Mary.
[Is everyone around him in these relationships where physical intimacy with other people is okay? Is he the weird one now for not finding that okay?]
[There has to be something there. For a moment, he almost wants to punch John, but under what right? He's not with Renart, he has no say over who she sleeps with and kisses. It's a moment of jealousy, squashed fiercely down as soon as it comes.
He still doesn't look too friendly, though, when he makes his fingers uncurl into a relaxed position.]
It is your business, Bucky. I've just... made it yours by being an arse. I'm sorry. If you have questions... But honestly, I'm not in love with her. I'm just.. I was... you have to understand that it's different in the future. People step out even when they're not dating. Have you heard of a one-night stand?
I wasn't with Mary when it happened. [His cheeks are burning and he stares down at his hands, still feeling ashamed in spite of that.] I wouldn't do it, now I am. I didn't mean for her to kiss me. I don't even know what the hell she was thinking this last time. We were arguing about feminism and sexism and then she was kissing me.
[Feminism was women getting the vote, right? The rest of it has kind of passed him by, the big revolution of women being empowered beyond the home wasn't something the Soviets really informed the Soldier about. He looks mildly confused, but the content of their argument isn't the point here.]
Renart told me that kissing wasn't something she did with just anyone. Even if you don't like her, she must like you.
[Yes. A tug of shame at the lie to easily get away has him scowling, still rooted in spot.]
Yeah. About what happened when I hurt you, and why, and the advice of a couple of people I trust for how to keep it from happening again. I don't talk to others easy, you might have noticed. But I'm giving you my word that if you ask me about something, I won't lie about it and I won't hide it.
[He gave the same promise to Renart. It's terrifying, but the pair of them get it because they're the ones he trusts to understand the weight of that responsibility and not abuse it to just ask about anything they want.]
[Who isn't here any more, seems like he showed up just in time for the crisis and disappeared again. Somehow a very Clint thing to do. And perhaps trust isn't the right term for the others, he looks a little more disapproving as he says their names.
It's more that they either share some experiences that make it easier to relate, or have proven somewhat trustworthy in the past few months.]
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[He is smiling, though, it's nice to know his friends have such a good opinion of him.]
Maybe I'd never hurt her, but I still don't think I'd have a good relationship with anyone. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to be myself, let alone myself with someone else.
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Okay, that's fair. But you've kissed her, right? It's hard to stop once you've had that sometimes, but I commend your willpower, if you can.
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[And it was both a mistake and a memory he'll treasure for a long time.]
Seems like it keeps happening. She says I flirt too much, she can't resist.
[Which is nonsense, does he look like a flirt? He's barely polite, let alone flirty.]
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[The thought escapes as a mutter, and John tenses, glancing away.]
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Does that mean that she has feelings for John as well? Does he have feelings for her?
His jaw tightens and his voice flattens a little.]
I didn't know you two felt that way about each other.
[It's her choice, and John's free to do as he pleases, he's just-- maybe not jealous, he's accepted that he can't be with her. But he's hurt, even if it's irrational. Even more so that John would tell him in this manner, in this particular conversation.]
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It's hard when someone you care about keeps pressing you for something you might want, too. Even if you know you shouldn't want it and can't have it.
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Thought you were with Mary.
[Is everyone around him in these relationships where physical intimacy with other people is okay? Is he the weird one now for not finding that okay?]
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[Just to be clear.]
But we got drunk once. Before Mary and I got together... I don't even really remember it. There's nothing there, Bucky. I don't even like her.
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He still doesn't look too friendly, though, when he makes his fingers uncurl into a relaxed position.]
Fine.
[Not fine.]
Not my business anyway.
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It is your business, Bucky. I've just... made it yours by being an arse. I'm sorry. If you have questions... But honestly, I'm not in love with her. I'm just.. I was... you have to understand that it's different in the future. People step out even when they're not dating. Have you heard of a one-night stand?
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I'm old, not stupid. People did that back when I was younger too, just usually not so openly and when they were with other people.
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Renart told me that kissing wasn't something she did with just anyone. Even if you don't like her, she must like you.
[Unless she lied.]
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What?
[What?]
That's... no. No, she doesn't. She likes Sherlock more than me.
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Kissing is a bigger deal than sex for her, she likes you.
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I'll tell her I don't fancy her, then. Direct. I've already told her I don't want her kissing me again.
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Might be a good idea, it's better to be direct so there's no misunderstandings.
[He takes a half step back. This is a good place to try and escape, he's said what he wanted to in the beginning and it's become awkward as hell now.]
I'll let you go do that.
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[Granted, John wants this indescribably awkward conversation to end, but Bucky actually sharing anything with him is so rare.]
Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?
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[Yes. A tug of shame at the lie to easily get away has him scowling, still rooted in spot.]
Yeah. About what happened when I hurt you, and why, and the advice of a couple of people I trust for how to keep it from happening again. I don't talk to others easy, you might have noticed. But I'm giving you my word that if you ask me about something, I won't lie about it and I won't hide it.
[He gave the same promise to Renart. It's terrifying, but the pair of them get it because they're the ones he trusts to understand the weight of that responsibility and not abuse it to just ask about anything they want.]
That's everything.
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You... have other people you trust? Apart from Renart, I mean? That's... Bucky, that's great!
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...not the point, John.
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[Who isn't here any more, seems like he showed up just in time for the crisis and disappeared again. Somehow a very Clint thing to do. And perhaps trust isn't the right term for the others, he looks a little more disapproving as he says their names.
It's more that they either share some experiences that make it easier to relate, or have proven somewhat trustworthy in the past few months.]
Gabriel Gray. Dr. Strange.
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All right. I'm really good mates with Stephen. Should make things a bit easier.
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