[No! If Alfie does this then he'll have defied the Death Scythe without defeating him. In the absence of Death or even Death the Kid, Justin is roughly the highest authority here. Not even checking with Sherlock is equally anxiety-inducing. Without answering Alfie's question, John shifts his grip, reaching to grasp the other man's hand.
There's a burst of light from John, and Alfie will find himself holding a handgun. It's a bit warm and heavier than a gun its size should warrant, but-]
You're close! [The skull on the handle speaks with John's voice.] You're even closer than Mary. [Which he should probably think about in terms of what that says about himself and the sorts of people he's most compatible with.] We can make the wish later. Go on and try some target practice, mate. We can talk about what doctoring you need while you do that, yeah?
[Oh, for fuck's sake. Alfie jerks back in surprise, but luckily for John, he doesn't drop the gun. John might be able to guess at what the doctoring issue is now, though - while he's being held, he'll be able to easily tell that Alfie's hands are shaking, a minor but consistent tremor.]
Nope.
[Alfie says, quickening his pace and not changing his trajectory. The sooner this ends, the better.]
[That's... hmm. John can feel the trembling. He's going to stay as a gun to be spiteful and because it feels better to be this way most of the time now. Especially when it lets him feel the connection to Alfie's soul so closely.]
[Memory-induced tremors. It's almost certainly something psychological.]
Why did you wish for those memories back? Nothing good could come of it that we couldn't get through asking for the information. I'm making a list of what everyone's told me for how to get through the different puzzles.
Asking for information isn't the same as living it. And we did, or some version of us did, so why not remember?
[Really, Alfie's actually more with John on this one - but that had been Royce's reasoning, and he does understand it, even if it's not something he would have done on his own.]
Because it's not this version of you? And it's Zephyr mucking around in your head?
[He sighs.]
What's done is done, I s'pose. If it's what I think it is, though, there might not be a lot that medication can do on its own. D'you notice the tremors happening after particular events? Or when you're thinking about doing something in particular?
[There's a long silence as John thinks about how to respond to that.]
I told you that I used to have tremors, right? Along with the limp after the war. They're why I couldn't go back to being a practicing surgeon. They'd happen at odd times, but the thing Mycroft, of all people, noticed was that my hand didn't shake while I was under pressure. It wasn't fear, it was... focus, I guess you could say, that sort of stress that put me back into combat mode. Had to be ready, no time for shaking. Didn't even think about it, really. Being with Sherlock, running with him, that stress... that's what helped to fix me.
You need to figure out what particular things are causing the shaking. If it's not fear, then it might be something else. Given it started after you got the memories, it's more likely psychosomatic than anything physically wrong with you.
We could try some medication that'll help with the sleeping, at least? Irregular sleep isn't going to help you much. Have you been able to talk to Royce about the things you remember?
[They come up to the edge of the Wishing Pond, and John can't help being distracted.]
Please, Alfie, could you just shoot me once or twice? It won't change anything if you're making a wish. I want you to feel it. Maybe it'd help with your hands shaking? There's a sort of magic in it.
John Watson, it's strange enough carrying you around as a gun, and now you want me to use you as one? How do I know it wouldn't do something strange to me?
[Maybe a tiny part of him hopes that might be the case, but...]
Alfie, I'm a magic gun, not a mind-controlling one. You might like shooting me because it feels good when our souls align for it, but we're not perfectly aligned, so you might not. It's not gonna muck with your head beyond helping you decide if I'm a good fit for you as a Weapon.
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There's a burst of light from John, and Alfie will find himself holding a handgun. It's a bit warm and heavier than a gun its size should warrant, but-]
You're close! [The skull on the handle speaks with John's voice.] You're even closer than Mary. [Which he should probably think about in terms of what that says about himself and the sorts of people he's most compatible with.] We can make the wish later. Go on and try some target practice, mate. We can talk about what doctoring you need while you do that, yeah?
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Nope.
[Alfie says, quickening his pace and not changing his trajectory. The sooner this ends, the better.]
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When did the trembling start?
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[But it's often enough for him to notice.]
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Why did you wish for those memories back? Nothing good could come of it that we couldn't get through asking for the information. I'm making a list of what everyone's told me for how to get through the different puzzles.
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[Really, Alfie's actually more with John on this one - but that had been Royce's reasoning, and he does understand it, even if it's not something he would have done on his own.]
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[He sighs.]
What's done is done, I s'pose. If it's what I think it is, though, there might not be a lot that medication can do on its own. D'you notice the tremors happening after particular events? Or when you're thinking about doing something in particular?
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[Voila, tremor.]
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I told you that I used to have tremors, right? Along with the limp after the war. They're why I couldn't go back to being a practicing surgeon. They'd happen at odd times, but the thing Mycroft, of all people, noticed was that my hand didn't shake while I was under pressure. It wasn't fear, it was... focus, I guess you could say, that sort of stress that put me back into combat mode. Had to be ready, no time for shaking. Didn't even think about it, really. Being with Sherlock, running with him, that stress... that's what helped to fix me.
You need to figure out what particular things are causing the shaking. If it's not fear, then it might be something else. Given it started after you got the memories, it's more likely psychosomatic than anything physically wrong with you.
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[He says, a touch grudgingly.]
I thought it might be, I dunno, repressed things. Things I wasn't letting come to the forefront.
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[That's a quick, easy answer.]
Not screaming, mostly, but awful nightmares - yes.
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[Up ahead, the wishing pond comes into view, and Alfie keeps them on a firm course for it.]
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Maybe you need support from someone else. Are there things you feel like you can't tell Royce? Or don't want to tell him?
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[Only when things are tense or they've been fighting, but they're not right now.]
It's been a very long time since I've felt there were things I couldn't share with him.
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[They come up to the edge of the Wishing Pond, and John can't help being distracted.]
Please, Alfie, could you just shoot me once or twice? It won't change anything if you're making a wish. I want you to feel it. Maybe it'd help with your hands shaking? There's a sort of magic in it.
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Alfie, I'm a magic gun, not a mind-controlling one. You might like shooting me because it feels good when our souls align for it, but we're not perfectly aligned, so you might not. It's not gonna muck with your head beyond helping you decide if I'm a good fit for you as a Weapon.
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[HE HAS TO ASK.]
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If I did, d'you think I'd really be asking you to pull my trigger?
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It feels good, but it's not sexual. Don't be weird. It's the same sort of 'good' I get when Sherlock runs me 'round on a case.
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