jumpthegun | IC Inbox (v2.0)

[No, they're going to talk about it.]

Grief isn't about logic, and stop avoiding the question by telling me what you and other people are doing. Dancing around it isn't gonna work.

Has anyone ever told you you're exceptionally direct?

[Avoiding a different way.]

Yes.

[But it seems like John is being evasive enough for both of them.]

We made an agreement, John. You'd talk to me, I'd talk to you, remember?

[Ugh. Why had he made that agreement?]

My wife's dead. Probably staying that way. It's like it was back home. I don't know what else there is to say.

[Back home was... not good. But it is what it is.]

[He's not really sure what there is to say either, but he knows there's more. He's no therapist and he's not good at this, but he has to try.]

Talk about her. What happened. How you feel.

You're the one that told me this sort of talking helps even if it's hard.

I'm not hallucinating her, and I'm not sure if I rather would be.

[There would be a Tone if this were a verbal conversation. He doesn't like talking about this. He never told his therapist about the hallucination or how he'd... relied on it to an extent, wanted to be able to still see her, talk to her, feel her.]

Would it really be better to do that, even if you knew she wasn't real?

[There's no judgement, just curiosity, but that's hard to display over text.]

I don't know. I just want to see her again. I could talk to her, hear her, touch her. It felt real a lot of the time.

Do you feel like she's abandoned you because you don't see her?

[They all have people they wish they could see again, sinking into delusion isn't a good way to go.]

Maybe without that hallucination, you have to accept that she's gone and feel the grief.

No, of course not! It wasn't her choice about anything. I wouldn't blame her.

[He'd... sort of blame her for some of the things she's don't, be they seem so trivial with her gone.]

Is that your expert opinion? I should feel grief? What do you think I've been living with, Bucky?

[It's more aggressive than he meants to be, but he's upset and frustrated.]

Grief, maybe. But you're pushing it down like it's an inconvenience to you and everyone around you, that's not healthy. I didn't let Steve do it when his Ma died, and I'm not going to let you do it.

You don't have to do all of this on your own, it's okay to fall apart sometimes.

[For other people to fall apart, not for him. But he can be hypocritical.]

Falling apart isn't an option here, Bucky. I need to hold together. If you want to help, then help me do that.

[He gets that, he really does, he has a fear of falling apart too far and not being able to get back together again. But he's sort of a hypocrite in that he knows that's not healthy, and he wants better for his friends.]

Why can't you fall apart? There are people around who would help out, and it wouldn't be forever. Feels like it, but it wouldn't.

[Pin-balling back and forth between Sherlock telling him it's time to be soldiers and they can't break, and Bucky telling him to let go and break is frustrating to a degree that John can't begin to articulate. He loves and trusts both of these men and they're giving him radically different advice. Sherlock's is the more practical sort and the advice that John's more inclined to follow.

Maybe he should talk to Hannibal to get an objective opinion on the matter...]

We have limited time, and I'm one of a very small number of medical personnel available for assistance.

[If Bucky knew what Sherlock was saying, and he knew the man personally, he might punch him for saying something so stupid. They're not soldiers, they're just prisoners and occasionally victims.]

Please, John, trust me on this. You're human, not a machine, you can't keep going like this.

I can keep going until we reach the center. I'll deal with it then.

No, you won't. You'll go home or die or whatever else waits for us at the centre, and that'll be it.

Deal now.

No.

[He actually hangs up on Bucky. Or disconnects from the conversation. It's childish. It's disrespectful to a friend he cares about and who has trusted him with so much. But right now, John just doesn't want to argue. So, he'll shut down. That's... an option.

IC Inbox (v2.0)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

wow, typo city up there. SORRY

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject