jumpthegun | IC Inbox (v2.0)

Because you disrespected me, Rhys. I'm not sure you fully appreciate just how much you disrespected me with what you did there. I trusted you. I trusted Beckett. I thought you trusted me. You don't and that's fine. I'll still help you. That doesn't matter. I just know where we stand now.

You - you know you can trust a guy and still realize you’re a complete drain on resources, right? Like this isn’t because I thought you couldn’t keep me going. You could keep me hanging by a thread until Norfinjudgement Day, yeah, but that wasn’t living. That was just - it was just existing.

Healing takes time. You were healing.

Setting that aside, if you trusted me, then why did you wait until I was out of the room and begged Beckett to stab you? I have medications. If you wanted to die, if we talked it through and I thought you really understood and it wasn't just the pain that we could have managed talking, I could have made it a lot less messy.

You think I've never assisted someone? I don't like it, but it happens when there are no other options. You had options. I would have talked through them with you.

It wasn’t some grand plan - Beckett was there and unsurprisingly I wasn’t at 100% brainpower. I just. Knew he would.

If we had time and a good supply of meds and I didn’t have to be carried on a goddamn stretcher, I’d have toughed it out. With a lot of complaining, but still. We just don’t have the resources, and hell, what would we do if you were carting my ass around and BOOM, anomaly?

We'd have dealt with it then. And it's not your job to worry about supplies or logistics. It's mine.

Edited 2018-08-28 17:23 (UTC)

Sorry, says who? And when was that decided?

Says one of the people who's been managing the supplies with the other doctors and worked out the logistics with people to accommodate your situation.

Which obviously gives you the final say on everything, up to and including who is allowed to WORRY about supplies and logistics. Right. I’m just a big fat idiot.

When your worry translates to having someone help you commit suicide without actually having the full picture? Yeah. You're an idiot.

[This is what it's like to be on John's bad side. There are some who would label him something of a dick...]

Edited 2018-08-29 04:55 (UTC)

[ He did kind of set himself up for that, but it still stings. There’s snot in his voice. ]

There just wasn’t — isn’t enough time, John, for me to heal up even putting - p-putting supplies aside. I couldn’t help with anything. I couldn’t DO anything.

[That, at least, gives John pause, because it's a feeling he can empathize with. He's contemplated taking himself out when he's got to the point that he's more hindrance to people than help, physically speaking. But he'd never gone through with it. Maybe that's part of what makes him so angry here.]

You couldn't have helped with anything if you hadn't come back, either, Rhys. The Admin keeps cutting back on medical resources. I didn't- If you'd died on your own and didn't come back, that'd be one thing, but having someone kill you and then you not coming back... the revival system isn't a cure-all. Most people don't come back. I wish. God I wish you and everyone else would stop talking about it like it is one.

No. I couldn’t. Damned if I did and damned if I didn’t, b-because I know I was hurt bad enough where I couldn’t reasonably expect to be on my two feet before... before whatever happens at the end of all this. With the way I did it, there was a chance.

It. Wasn’t easy. I didn’t - [ He looks around for Beckett, or anyone else who could be listening. ] I didn’t WANT to die, not really. It doesn’t stop being scary no matter how many times this hellhole puts you through it.

I didn’t want to hurt you either. Nobody won.

I've had to watch too many of my friends kill themselves, Rhys. It hurts. Any time it happens it hurts. And maybe it's not fair to blame you, but I can't-

I can't do this anymore. I just can't.

So it’s... just hard to stay close when you know you could be caught up in another crazy death cyclone?

But. You still wanna be our doctor.

[ Which, as far as he can see, sticks John squarely in the potential death door of many. ]

I don’t think detaching is gonna work for you, John. Not here, not when you already care and push yourself so hard for everyone.

[That's a rather apt assessment of John's feelings on the matter. It's also not particularly what he wants to hear.]

A good doctor and soldier knows how to separate out emotion when there's a job to do.

A good friend knows when his doctor-soldier pal is struggling his way into self-destruction. Especially when he basically straight-up said it a second ago.

[ He knows a little something about self-destruction. ]

You're not a machine, dude. But you just might break down like one.

[This is the problem with becoming friends with your patients, honestly.]

I dunno what to do, Rhys. I don't feel like I can trust you or Beckett right now. I'm not sure what it'll take to change that.

I'm not about to throw my life away again, and even if I was apparently you'd be there, turning off your emotions and just. Dealing. Because whatever, right?

Whatever.

[There's a quiet sigh of frustration on John's side. He's already bent so far in so many ways, compromised his moral principles to defend people like Alfie or Royce or Bucky. He's tried to maintain his ethics with regard to medicine, at least.]

That's not what I'm saying, Rhys. It's not... your life matters to me. It's not 'whatever.'

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cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

Re: cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation

cw: suicidal ideation