jumpthegun | IC Inbox (v1.0)

No.

You've done enough.

[He doesn't intend to use either one of them as a go-between again, it's too dangerous.]

I want to help you, Buck. I know you've got to confront him on your own, but we can at least do this for you. We are here for you. I want you to remember that, okay? Whatever happens.

Especially if the paranoia kicks up again before you've found him. Come back to this message and please remember.

[Because the whole Winter Soldier things sounds like a lot of brainwashing designed to distance Bucky from the people who care about him. Add in the paranoia... and it's a very poor combination.]

[After the few days he's had-- few months, few decades-- getting a message like that is still rare enough to be special. He stares at it for a few moments, unsure how to respond.]

It's not that I don't want your help. It's that he's smart, he's trained as an information gatherer. By now he'll know we're friends, any more than the once and he'll suspect I've told you.

Natasha is an Avenger, she'd be automatically suspect from that angle.

You know the both of us are willing to put ourselves in danger for you, right? That's what friends do. If you're worried about me mucking things up, I understand that. Nat, though... she's much better than I am if you want to make sure Pierce isn't put wise to things. But I can still try to help however I can.

I'll need to follow-up with him about what he finds in his search for Batman. I can try to get a little more if you haven't reached him by then.

[He's genuinely caught here. The Bucky of a few days ago would have refused and hung up, too paranoid to really accept help even genuinely offered, but he knows the value of other people now and he does need to find Pierce as soon as possible. It all comes down to if he trusts how competent his friends are, versus how frightened he is that they'll get hurt.]

Okay. Not Natasha, an Avenger is too suspicious. But you can talk to him. Be careful, build a rapport, back out if it goes south.

[He really hopes he doesn't come to regret it.]

Natasha is going to help me a different way, she's going to kill me if the worst happens.

[Is he joking? Exaggerating? No, not at all.]

[John winces to see that in writing.]

I understand. I'll do what I can, Bucky. Would you like me to keep you in the loop on any conversations I have with him? I want to be transparent, in case your paranoia does start coming back.

[Was he that bad that John has to keep bringing it up like this?]

I trust you.

[He's so much better now. Though this does remind him...]

That's why I have to ask you that same as what I asked Natasha. If I'm triggered and you're nearer than her to take me down, I need you to do it.

[There's a delay in John's response.]

If I can't break through to the real you, yes. I'll do what needs doing. Any advice? You're kind of a bloody beast.

[As John discovered.]

[If this was any other circumstance he might have laughed at being called a bloody beast, but now really isn't the time.]

No. You don't try to break through to the 'real me'. If he triggers me, there is no real me, do you understand? If you don't kill me immediately, I will kill you.

How did you break out of your mind-control the first time, Bucky?

Steve.

We fought several times, I nearly killed him. The last time we fought, I would have killed him if it weren't for the serum. I don't even know why I pulled him from the river after, I still didn't know who he was.

I still don't have all my memories, I still aren't fully Bucky Barnes.

If you try to get through to the Soldier after he's just been triggered, you will die. He's not me. They wiped everything out of me. I won't know my own name, I won't know you, I won't know anything except the mission. I won't care, I won't have an opinion on my orders, I won't have a sense of right and wrong to appeal to. There is nothing, do you understand? That's what the Soldier is, he's a weapon to be deployed.

[What John is hearing is that the programming can be broken to some extent.]

Bucky, I've told you I won't lie to you.

I will make one attempt to reach you, then I will attempt to forcefully subdue you in a way that might very well kill you, and then I'll kill you if I haven't already or that doesn't work. I can't promise to kill you immediately. You're too important to me for that.

But I'll contact Nat first, so that she can do what I couldn't if it ends up going poorly.

[It's the best compromise he can offer.]

[He's angry now. Didn't John listen to what he said? Why would he still make an attempt to reach him, why would he only subdue him? Those are the paths that will lead to his blood on Bucky's hands.

It's an anger born from fear.]

Then stay away if it happens.

[If he can't trust him to do what needs to be done, then he needs to keep away.]

You're my best friend here, John, and I love you like a brother. But you're not Steve. You won't break the Soldier.

[There are a great many emotions that reply inspires. But there's warmth predominating. He hasn't felt this way about someone since Sherlock. Alfie's come close, but they're not quite to that point, yet. Plus, for all of his social ineptitude, Bucky's just a nicer person than either of them.

Which probably says something about John's circle of close friends.]

I'll stay away if I can. If someone else is in the Soldier's path and I'm there, I won't run without trying to save them, though.

[It's going to have to be enough. He hopes, God he hopes so much, that these precautions will never be needed.]

I wouldn't expect you to.

Call me when you speak to him again.

I will. Stay safe and stay warm, mate. And good luck, Bucky. Get some sleep, if you can.

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